Haiku Lovers
by Devin Trinidad
Summary: That was the last time he was going to let Russia bribe him into this; his sister is a homicidal maniac!


"Why would big brother Russia leave me alone with you?"

A low-pitched voice practically bellowed at the Japanese foreigner. Clad in her regular dainty outfit, the young woman did not look the least bit threatening… If the term non-threatening meant a lady not much younger than him wielding several sharp knives to his neck and other… shaded spots. Lets leave all the pretty details as to how he was… dominated.

"Belarus-san, Russia-san just wanted you to strengthen relations with me," Japan replied in monotone. His voice did not betray any emotion, but his body tremored like earthquakes were shaking his interior.

In an incredulous air, she screeched," Strengthen relationships with you!? I should not be wasting my breath on you! Vanya dearest should be becoming one with me right now, but I'M STUCK HERE WITH YOU!"

Japan sighed as he took in the platinum blonde's intimidating visage. If he looked closely, he could have spotted a bit of frothing at the corners. When will the western nations learn some basic manners? Surely, she should have noticed by now that she was intruding in personal space and that he was a bit of a claustrophobe? Gah, he was sounding like China!

"Belarus-san, in order-"

"Hey! You're one of the Asian countries, right?"

Another undisguised lament was secreted from the oriental nation as he processed the question. Did she not observe his skin color, his small stature, or his hair? The hair might have at least alerted her to some relation to being Asian. _Please don't tell me all her observation skills were being wasted by looking for Russian things in life?_

Warily, Kiku scrutinized the Slavic nation. After what seemed like an eternity (being held at knife point could do that to you.) Or so I have heard. A snappy reply was supplied form his vocal chords.

"Hai." Seriously, you take at least a minute to think of a suitable answer that consisted of one syllable? Well, that was Japanese for you. Anyways, the island nation realized he could have signed his death warrant by the way Belarus was leering at him.

No way could a European woman could look so bloodthirsty! Japan's mind yelled at him to move, or at least defend his honor, but all he could do was sit on the sidelines and watch in horrified fascination.

… No wonder the Western world is so disorganized; all the women are tall and creepy! Oh, poor Japan, you don't know the half of it.

"I KNEW IT! You're allies with China aren't you!?" Suddenly, her low voice transformed into something demonic. No one could blame Japan for trembling. " So tell me," she pressed her knife harder onto Kiku's neck, issuing a small trickle of blood. With his trusty peripheral vision, he could see the trickle gradually growing into a rubicund tributary, turning into a bloody lake on his crisp bleached shirt. "How do you benefit?"

The older man tried to shy away from her lethal touch, but he already was up against the wall. No wonder Russia bribed him into babysitting his younger sister; she was a homicidal enthusiast. Next time, he will not fall for Ivan's trick of giving him his 'special water.' In desperation, Japan used Italy's tactic of how to get away from danger, the Mafia Way.

Using all his inhuman strength he gathered from countless animes, he summoned it all in one final gasp.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKK KKKKKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" How that would help opposed to the word pasta, the world will never know.

Everything seemed to freeze as Natalya tried to sort out what the island had uttered. As the cogs turned in her head, several explanations were created to rid the random-ness that had occurred. One, he had been Italia-ified. Not exactly a good reason, but Ivan once visited the Italian brothers and he had been cooking pasta for a whole Italian filled week. After Belarus made them swear that they were not to turn her brother into a happy-go-lucky miscreant (she loved him like the way he was; bloodthirsty, childish, and just plain demonic) she made sure no one else influenced her brother. Wasn't that a happy sight to go home to?

The second reason was that she must have fragmented the Asian to the point of no return. Odd, she barely touched him with her exquisite Minsk. Then again, the orient was highly regaled for their ability to seem so mighty, yet so weak. At least, that was Natalya's view on other countries. Besides, big brother will rule them all and they will BECOME ONE after they got married…married…married…

The third and final inference was that Japan had used a cuss word on her. Since the other two were a little bit unlikely, this seemed the most logical. Further more, a lot of nations swore at her behind her back, so this was no different. But why was she so adamant that he would learn his lesson?

"You cursed at me! You foul, disgusting, blithering weakling! You just want to-"

There was one thing you should have known about the country of Japan, he would never let anyone sully his ninja filled honor. Especially a childish woman with a preposterous desire to be with her sibling. As the word weakling reached his ears, the dark haired male grabbed her hand that nearly decapitated his head and twisted it so her hand was behind her back.

In the confusion that engulfed the Slav, she accidentally dropped her treasured knives. With the sound of her weapons falling to their doom in her ears, Belarus tried to kick Japan while backwards. The Asian nation had his fair share of female prisoners during his samurai era, so Belarus couldn't move.

"Belarus-san, I am not a weakling. I am not here to aid China in his endeavors to do… some stuff. I am here to help your dear brother, Russia-san," Japan hissed in a threatening tone.

Since when did the introverted nation become so… immoral?

Come to think of it, when did THE Natalya Arlovskaya feel the emotion fear?

Steeling her resolve and the last of her courage, Natalya began to speak, albeit in a panicky manner.

"Then how are you supposed to help brother Russia," Belarus sniveled. Was that another first for our dear ice princess? Then again, she felt her knife press into her back and she did not enjoy the sensation. So who could blame her?

"Your brother wanted you to obtain some more productive hobbies." Japan grinned at his bold falsehood. No one could fib better than the Japanese.

In reality, however, Ivan Braginski could not find Lithuania during one of the World Meetings. Only to come across the samurai hardened Japan to babysit the unreasonable girl and let him drink his purified Russian water.

"Big brother actually wanted that." It was not a question, but a statement. It seemed as if Belarus had decided that Kiku was no threat to the Russian family, and had decided to behave like a normal person. (Well, the Asian wanted to believe she would act womanly, or how femininely a Westerner can be.)

Instead of thinking that, Belarus pieced the puzzle together as she processed the information that Japan had told her. If she obeyed her dear Vanya and gained new hobbies then… Gasp! SHE WILL BE MARRIED TO RUSSIA! Not one of those cliché romances that Miss Stalker imagined, but it would have to do. Guess she would have to throw the multitudes of her diary entries about Ivan rushing through the door, guitar in hand, and ready to sing a courting song.

Of course, why did she not think of this earlier? Multicultural raised women must be what turned Russia on! Take that Ukraine! She now knew Russia's heavily guarded secret.

"Fine then, teach the ways of your culture and I _might_ return the favor."

_Marrying Russia_

_An event to remember_

_We are both happy_

The gratified Belarusian cheerfully waved a piece of crumpled notebook paper in front of the raven-haired gent. Honestly, it was as if whenever a courteous Oriental man approached a room, all the Europeans there would drop all courtesies just to humorlessly aggravate him. Of course, Japan was far too mannerly to say his input on such things.

"So what do you think?" A breathless Natalya beseeched the elder. Spending nearly an hour on the three-line poem racking her brain for the right words was nerve racking. Especially when she wants to win her brother's hand in marriage and her sister's jealousy.

"Its quite interesting," Japan mused. True, it might not have included scenic art form that he would have expected from one of his countrymen, but it was clear about Belarus' desires. At least her devotion that never waivered in the slightest was a bit poetic and endearing, he alleged. Although, it held a hint of strangeness and incest. "You must really hold your older brother in high regard." _Like how China always brags about relentlessly. Regardless of how I treated him in the past._

"Naturally! Dear Ivan loves me and we're going to get married, married, married," she recited to herself.

Freaking out in these awkward situations (images of a hyper South Korea came to mind) he decided to leave Belarus with whatever she fancied. With no one else to turn to, he began to exit the premises. "Well, I will take my leave, Belarus-san."

**Omake Break**

"Wait!"

With a barely restrained sigh, he unceremoniously turned around and was attacked on both sides of his cheeks. Instantly, heat traveled to his places of attack.

"Belarus-san!" Gasping, he shoved her away in a gentlemanly manner.

"Be thankful Chinese pest, I was giving you a beso."

Successfully ignoring the jibe to his culture, he managed to utter a coherent sentence through gritted lips.

"That is more of a Spanish or French type of gesture."

"What do your people do then, kiss on the lips?"

Westerners had no chance of surviving in his world of somber people with no sense of humor whatsoever. At least, that's what he felt after hearing the statement from the deranged and socially awkward Slav.

"I'm going now."

_Teaching Belarus_

_In the process, almost dead_

_SHE IS SO SCARY_


End file.
